I Set The Hook… And Not Only The Fish Felt Alive, But So Did I

Lately, I’ve forgotten how it feels to be alive, to feel as though I’m truly living, not just surviving. As I spent the weekend out on the lake, sleeping in a shanty and living a life of such simplicity, I found happiness within the people that surrounded me and life within what I was doing. As someone yelled to us that the “flag was up” they then asked if I wanted to “set the hook.” Without hesitation, that’s exactly what I did and within those few seconds, I felt alive. I was doing something I once loved and found so much pleasure in. I was out on the ice, surrounded by simplicity, family, and a wonderful new group of friends. As I set the hook, I felt the life of this fish and within myself, I felt life too.

My days within the past few weeks have been quite difficult, a struggle to survive the daily battles that I face, but I have continuously reminded myself that “I won’t let the negativity turn me into my enemy, and have promised myself I won’t let it get the best of me.” Although I have faced the loss of several friends, the loss of more weight, and the loss of support from those who I think would support me the most, I have reminded myself that I am still surviving and still longing to not just survive, but to live. I’d like to leave you all with some of my favorite words that I found on a card and bought for myself, as dumb as I felt for doing so, it was one of the best purchases I have ever made! I hope these words can positively impact you, just as they have impacted me. It’s a reminder I need constantly, but it’s simply the truth and I have been striving to put the words into action. Here’s to letting go of the people and things that are no longer right for me or my happiness and here’s to making room in my heart and life for new things and for all the things I once loved. Here’s to Learning to Live – again!

“Some people think letting go is the same as giving up.

It’s not.

It’s releasing those things that are no longer right for you or your happiness.

It’s making room in your life and in your heart for something new.

It’s believing, like I do, that you are a wonderful person who deserves nothing but the best.“

 

Meeting the Soldier That Helped Save My Soul

It’s been almost two years since I “adopted a US soldier” through the Adopt a United States Soldier Program and it was by far one of the best choices I have ever made. I remember patiently waiting to get the soldier’s information because I knew putting my focus on helping someone else and getting to know them and the lifestyle they live as a soldier, would help me to help myself. That is an understatement. Kenny, or officially known as Specialist Kaye, has been one of the most motivating, supportive, encouraging, appreciative, strong, kindhearted, loving, and joyful supporters I have had through my more recent struggles I have endured over the past 2 years that he has been in my life.

Although we have never gone more than 2-3 days without talking, and that’s when he was deployed in Afghanistan and didn’t have as much down time at certain times, we have kept in contact almost daily, supporting one another, sharing stories of our lives, talking about our futures, and sharing our struggles and paths that have currently got us to where we presently are. I learned more about him every day, always patiently waiting for an e-mail or message because it gave me something to look forward to, since most days of my life are quite repetitive, although I try so desperately to break this sick cycle. I wake up, stiff from my jaw joints, with pain radiating down to my lower back, struggle to get out of bed, walk my dog, find motivation to attend class or even take a shower, and wonder when and if this will ever end. Having Kenny in my life, not only makes me so appreciative of this life I’ve been given and blessed with, but has given me something to always look forward to for almost 2 full years and has given me an outlet, someone to care for, someone to encourage and motivate me in return and has been one of the biggest blessings in my life.

When I feel as though I can’t help myself, I have Kenny to support, encourage, and motivate me. I have him to thank through words and care packages for not only serving our country, fighting in this nasty war overseas, but also for helping me to fight this nasty war that occurs within my mind, body and soul every single day. His stories of hardships, past and present, help me put my hardships and struggles into perspective; being thankful for the journey my life has taken me on. Whenever I need someone to just listen, without trying to figure out the “right words” to say in return, he’s there. Although being deployed in Afghanistan for one full year prevented us from meeting in person and being stationed at Ft. Wainwright in Alaska makes it difficult to make plans to visit and meet, the time finally came and was one of the best surprises I have ever received!

This past week, at 2:30 AM Monday morning, I picked Kenny up at the Baltimore airport after driving 6 hours through the night, not stopping once, so excited to meet him for the first time ever. As I arrived at the airport, full of excitement and anticipation for the moment that was to come, I jumped out of the car and received the greatest hug (or bear hug as I would call it!!) I have ever been given. I could feel his appreciation, thankfulness, and gratitude for me as he hugged me and thanked me for the first time ever in person. We were able to spend 5 full days together, even  though he had 3 days of training on post at Aberdeen Proving Grounds, but the  moments spent together I never wanted to end. As I described to my sister and others, I haven’t felt that many feelings of happiness, fun, excitement, love, and pure enjoyment for that many consecutive days in the past 9 years. In my heart, mind and soul, it was a pure honor to have the amazing opportunity to meet him after all this time and to finally be able to be reminded of what it feels like to truly be happy, find excitement within my day and days ahead, and truly enjoy myself.

My time with him impacted me in ways that brings me to tears as I share this with all of you. For the first time in months, I had eaten small meals, even if it was a few bites of my meal while out to dinner, always trying to force myself that my body needed it or I wouldn’t have the energy to enjoy my short time with him. I am proudly able to say that I actually had consecutive days filled with pure, honest, happiness – something I haven’t felt in weeks, months, or years. Thanks to his kind heart, positive outlook on life, consistent support and encouragement, continuous love and appreciation, and his willingness to help me in any way he possibly can, gives me hope that I can someday live a life where 5 consecutive days of happiness happens more often than once every 9 years. It gives me faith that I can learn to manage my pain and take control, because after all these years and struggles I have faced, I know that I have the strength within to get myself to where I have always dreamed of being. It has also reminded me that in order to take care of others, I have to also take care of myself; something I haven’t done in so long, because taking care of others is so much easier than caring for myself.

As I left Gate 18 at Ronald Reagan National Airport in Washington, DC that Friday night as he stood in line to board his plane back to post in Alaska, I said my “I’ll see you later” several times, not wanting to walk away knowing that tears would stream down my face for so many reasons. As I finally hugged him one last time, thanking him for every moment of happiness he has filled my heart and mind with, I finally knew it was my time to go and his time too. I cried as I walked through the airport alone and got to my rental car that no longer had someone in the passenger’s seat. I called my sister, barely able to talk through the tears, and soon she was crying too. I cried tears of joy, thankfulness, appreciation for the opportunity that we were both given to meet unexpectedly, and for the life that he has helped me to continue to live every single day. Unfortunately, I also cried tears of sadness, depression, worry, loneliness, and most of all, cried tears of the fear of going back to the reality of my everyday life that I didn’t want to face.

It’s been almost one week since I had to say my goodbyes to one of the greatest trips of my life and the past 7 days have been incredibly difficult, just as I had expected them to be. I have fallen back into my depression, small meals rarely exist, but I force myself to consume ensure or anything I possibly can, knowing that my body has to have as much nutrients as I can possibly give it to have the energy to continue on. I have faced more doctors appointments, which now leaves me in the process of tapering off all pain medications and using a blood pressure medication daily to help the effectiveness of the very small dose I am on. I have fears about my future, although I try so desperately to remind myself to live in the present, because allowing the fear of the unknown of what lies ahead will only continue to eat me alive more than it already has.

So as of now, I am facing more struggles, obstacles, and battles ahead, but am trying to face them with my best intentions of finding the road that leads me to a path of recovery, or at least the start to it. Although I have felt so incredibly hopeless, helpless, and unmotivated because seeking treatment is so bittersweet in my mind, I know it is what I need and I know that in order to live the beautiful life that lies ahead of me, I have to break this vicious cycle and unfortunately, I can’t do it on my own. With that being said, I find pride in the fact that I can finally admit that, I have asked for help, and have (to some degree) accepted the reality of this life I live, although it leaves me with tears streaming down my face and a heart that aches and longs to desperately be repaired.

Kenny, I don’t know how I’ll ever thank you enough for literally saving my soul. Each day during recovery or relapse when I have wanted to give up, didn’t think I would be able to continue on, thought life would be so much easier if I didn’t have to endure the roads ahead and the daily pain and struggles that come with it, you were there. Every single day, regardless of the time difference in Afghanistan or Alaska, you were always there. You encouraged, supported, motivated and helped me to hang on, even if it was by such thin threads. I am so thankful to have such an amazing person in my life and you are a true reminder that my belief in life that “everything happens for a reason” is completely accurate. Thank you for your dedication, hard work, and sacrifice you make each and every day to protect our country, whether overseas or on post in Alaska. I also thank you from the bottom of my heart for helping me to help save myself during some of my darkest moments. I’m so blessed to have you in my life and am so proud of the person you have become. You and I are living proof that struggles and obstacles can be overcome, that true friendships and genuine, appreciative people still exist, and that some of the “littlest” things in life, are by far the biggest and most amazing gifts.

Thank you for helping me save myself not only over the past two years, but today and every day that lies ahead and thank you for being such an inspiration in my life and giving me yet another reason to continue on. Hopefully our story will inspire others to reach out to those in need – whether it be a soldier fighting in the war, a veteran suffering from PTSD or other illnesses and struggles, becoming a Big Brother or Big Sister for a child so desperately in need, or simply thanking someone for doing a sincere gesture, such as thanking you for your service or simply holding the door. Together obstacles and struggles can be overcome and our story is living proof. I may not be in recovery just yet, but I know you’ll be by my side supporting me as I finally reach that moment and I promise to always be by yours!

All of my love, appreciation, and sincere thank you for the incredible person you are and for helping me overcome obstacles and face moments and struggles I never thought I’d survive. I’ll forever cherish our special moments together that filled my heart with pure happiness and will patiently be waiting for the moment we meet again.